On Being Perfect

What is the deal with having to appear perfect? Why can't some people show their faults? What are they afraid of?

I was thinking the other day about 'perfect' people. You know the kind, always ready to help you whenever you need it, always the nicest people you know, never do anything wrong, never want to start a fight, always making others happy etc.

I have come to an unusual conclusion. I am not so sure that those 'perfect' people are actually as happy as they seem. Don't get me wrong, helping others is not a bad thing. But I get the feeling that centering your life too much on others can actually be frustrating to the nice person. I would assume that the 'perfect' person would, in the back of their mind, have some sort of motive behind the niceness. Is it that they have a great need to be liked, or is being nice their way of manipulating others to do what they want?

When I lived in Utah I was a saleperson for a couple of years, calling on small businesses. You know what the most frustrating thing was? Nobody would say 'NO'. They would all say, 'Come back later', 'I'll think about it' endlessly. Finally, after weeks and weeks of wasting my time I would just stop going by. Which is what they were hoping I would do. Why was that? I think that they were just trying to be nice. (BTW, if anybody reading this blog was one of those people, know that you weren't being nice. It sucked, to be quite honest). I love my religion (I'm Mormon) but sometimes I think we try to be a little too perfect, and are afraid to let our flaws show. So we go out of our way to appear perfect, thinking that others won't like us if they know our faults. BTW, did you know that a greater percentage of women in Utah are taking anti-depressants than any other state?

Also, the need to appear perfect is the cause of eating disorders.

But we can rationalize it in our mind, after all "Be ye therefore perfect..." Right? I think that it is working toward being perfect, not trying to appear perfect so everyone with think of you .... (Fill in the blank)

Sometimes I think of perfect people as "Teflon People.' They are so smooth that you can't stick to them. Someone who is a little rough are the velcro people, easy to stick to. Not that you have to show all of your faults all the time, but come on, what is the problem if you actually have a fault? I once heard Dr. Laura tell a story on the radio to a girl with an eating disorder. She told of going to the pound to pick up a new puppy. One puppy is perfect in every way. Stands at attention and obeys your every command. The second puppy has a droopy ear and kindof waddles to you to lick your hand. Which puppy would you take home?

I think the world would be a better place if everyone wasn't trying to appear perfect.

How to Reprimand

I listened to "The One Minute Manager" this week. In my opinion, one of the best management books I have ever listened to. Highly recommended if you manage people (or kids, I guess).

One of the key points they talk about is how to reprimand an employee when they get out of line. It is so simple that it seems like it should be common sense to everyone. First of all, if someone is in training, don't get mad at them-- Ever. Train, not reprimand. (Did you get mad at your kids when they were trying to learn to walk and fell down constantly?) Even if they do something you think should be common sense to everyone, don't yell or get angry. If you do, from that point forward they will always be looking over their shoulder and working not to succeed, but to not get in trouble. Not the employee you want to have. When they mess up, use it as a training experience and move on. However, if you find you need to "train" them over and over, there might come a point where you need to reassign them, let them go etc. Not every one will excel at every job.

When someone is experienced and they mess up, then the manager needs to deal with it right then. Don't wait until they do it again or for a better time. Then, the authors recommend this strategy. First, let them know they screwed up and you are angry. Don't say you are angry using a soft voice- let your emotion show. Then, calm down and say something like this-- "Bob, it surprises me that you did this because you are one of our top guys and I have a lot of confidence in you. I'm sure it won't happen again". The whole encounter should take less than a minute.

When you correct someone like this, you get your point across as well as compliment the person. (BTW, don't compliment first--it sends mixed messages.) Using this process will leave the person with a better feeling after you leave so he doesn't complain to everyone about what a jerk of a manager you are.

On Being Boring...

What exactly makes a person boring? And how can I be a "not boring" person?

As I think about it, I think it comes down to routines. We have a routine for just about everything, and how well we stick to those routines determines how interesting or boring we are. I think a boring person always has a predictable answer for everything. Talking to a boring person may produce the same conversation over and over, even if it is about different subjects. Talking becomes a routine. An interesting person, on the other hand, looks at each conversation or experience and tries to look at it in a new way. They aren't stuck in the same old rut of thinking. Your brain is engaged while you are talking to them. Which is why they are interesting.

Feeling tired and burned out?

So I was talking to one of my clients, a homeopathic doctor. I asked her what kinds of patients she sees most often. She told me that most of the patients that she sees are feeling stressed, burned out, unhappy, no energy etc. Guess what she tells them to do? Take antidepressants? A miracle cure from the orient? Acai? Nope.

She says in many cases it comes down to one or more of three things-- Not enough sleep, exercise, or poor nutrition. Just the things we have been taught since our childhood to do, but never seem to have enough time to follow through with. Think about it, when was the last time you got 8 hrs of sleep, exercised a half hour, and didn’t eat sugar or something processed (ie real food) for a day? She said if someone does this religiously for a couple of weeks they will see a huge difference.

So, are you feeling tired, stressed, burned out, unhappy, no energy etc? Now you know what you need to do!

Conflict in Marriage

So my wife and I decide to watch a video on improving your marriage. Sounds fun, right? Actually, my wife and I have a wonderful relationship with, ahem, perhaps a minor spat every once and again--we always find that she was right the whole time... ;)

Anyway, he had an interesting fact to share. Most problems a couple argues about don’t go away. In fact, in the most successful marriages less than 30% of the major problems are actually resolved. They just get rehashed over and over again; with both spouses blaming the other or thinking the other is somehow defective in their thinking (this is assuming there isn’t a problem such as abuse or addiction, etc). If one leaves the marriage and finds another, perhaps those exact issues aren’t a problem, but they find a bunch of new things to argue about.

Turns out that in successful relationships, both people spend the time to understand where the other is coming from, their dreams and ambitions, etc. Then they find ways to compromise where both are happy. They don't try to change the other (because they can't) but find ways to work with each other. It begins by caring enough to understand their partner first.

Our Thoughts

Heard something interesting today. Scientists have shown that most of our thoughts, over 90% in some people, are the exact same thoughts we had yesterday. This goes on day after day. So, in essence, we are living the same day over and over again. Most of our thoughts are based on habit. The next discovery they made was that a majority of these thoughts are negative. In some people 80% of their thoughts are negative.

Interestingly enough, in the people they studied they found that a majority of the negative thoughts people have were untrue, whether outright false or somewhat untrue. Interesting. Our thoughts determine our actions, which determine our habits, which determines who we are... All based on incorrect negative thoughts. No wonder so many people are on Prozac.

Can't remember exactly who said these, but

"You can live a thousand days, or one day a thousand times."

"People judge others by their actions, but themselves by their intentions."

Happy for no reason

Everyone chases happiness. But few find it. Because they assume that happiness is rooted in something outside them. If only….

If only I was married.

If only I was out of school.

If only I was retired.

If only my spouse would (fill in the blank)

If I was rich.

Etc.

Happiness does not come from things or persons outside ourselves. The more we chase it, the further it retreats from us. We need to be happy for no reason at all. Happy regardless of whether life is going good or bad. Regardless of what others do or how they treat us. As Stephen R. Covey says, “We need to bring our own sunshine with us.” Is this a conscious decision we can make?