My wife was telling me about one of her frustrated friends. Her friend, I'll call her Betty, has a husband (we'll call him Larry) who stays up late and sleeps in. Doesn't help out around the house as much as Betty wants him to. She has tried everything, she says. But he still doesn't help-- and the frustration and stress around the house mounts. Even my wife is mad at him.
Here is my politically incorrect conclusion-- Betty is just as much at fault as Larry is.
Why? And how do I know? Simply put, she hasn't listened to Larry to understand him and why he does things. How do I know? Because my wife does the same thing to me, and every girl I know does the exact thing to their husbands.
I tell my wife again and again how I want things communicated to me, but does she do it how I ask? No. Not for more than a few days if I make a big deal about it. Then she goes back to her way, "the girl's way" of communication.
So what is the secret that all guys want their wives to know? Here it is:
1. Give us a reason. A reason that doesn't accuse or bash us men.
2. State CLEARLY what you want.
3. Show appreciation for what we do.
That is it. NOTHING more.
If Betty wants Larry to help more in the morning she needs to say something like this:
"Larry, I am getting really tired and I think I am going crazy with all the kids." (The Reason)
After he responds she then should say "Could you get up with them once a week so I can sleep in? What day would work for you?" (Clearly put-- and then work out specific details)
"Thanks so much, I really appreciate it." (And then attack him in the bedroom that night)
The night before he is getting up say "I really appreciate you getting up with the kids tomorrow. It will feel so nice to sleep in." Don't say "Remember you said you were getting up with the kids tomorrow"-- That is indirectly accusing him of forgetting.
And the last thing she should do is not help him. Why? Because as soon as she comes down and starts helping then he figures he is done and she is taking over. She should let him handle things until the appointed time when he is done. Even if the kids are screaming. They will live.
Here is the "Girl Way" of communication and why it doesn't work for guys. Simply put, most girls have EXPECTATIONS of how their husbands should be. And, they assume that their husbands already know what those expectations are. If Larry isn't doing what Betty thinks he should, then Betty will give hints. Small hints, big hints. Then she will get frustrated when he doesn't pick up on them.
Here is the deal, girls. Most girls have been taught, or assume, that they are so much better communicators than guys. Therefore, guys just should understand what girls are trying to tell them. I have to tell you, from a man's point of view that the girl's way of communicating is hard to understand (I refrain from using stronger language).
Give it to me simple. Straightforward. And yes, you will have to ask me again and again.
Here is why. Men generally see the house as the woman's domain. Larry will help if he is asked, but if he is not asked he assumes Betty is doing just fine. Even if she is stressed out of her mind he will assume she is good unless she tells him-- IE, Stated Clearly.
Seems terrible, right? Not really, from a guys point of view. Look at it this way. We see working, providing for the family, the yard, garage etc. as our domain. Do we get stressed? You bet. All the time. In fact, a lot of us are really stressed all the time. But do we complain about it? Nope. Do we expect our women to sense when we are stressed and go out and mow the lawn without us asking them? Never. So, in our minds, why do our wives expect us to sense when they want us to do something in "their domain?" Many girls are so involved with their own problems and stresses that they don't realize the pressure their husbands are under, because their husband doesn't complain like she does.
Bottom line, if you want something from us men SIMPLY ASK US in clear language using the 3 steps above. If you are reading more into it than this I say to you "Stop thinking like a girl." There really is no more to it than this. You might as well not get mad that this is how we think because as much as you complain and try to change us, it will never work. So you might as well learn how we think and you both will be much happier.
