Advice from a divorce attorney

I was speaking with one of my clients, a divorce attorney, who gave me an insight into why people get divorced.

After a divorce is finalized, he said he could predict whether the persons divorced would have a successful second marriage, or if they were destined to divorce over and over in failed marriages.

He said, If they put the blame on their former spouse, "ie it's his fault," then the next marriage was doomed to the same fate as the last.

If they asked themselves "What could I have done differently?" the next marriage would most likely succeed.

So then, when we disagree with our spouse, what question do we ask ourselves?

Self Esteem and the one thing holding us back

I think that for many people, low self esteem (LSE) is the biggest thing keeping them from achieving their dreams. That is obvious, you say, but what is the solution?

I had a thought today. I believe that most people do most things well. However, there is just one or two skills or weaknesses holding them back. I will use my profession as an example. I am a computer guy, and as most of you know we aren't exactly known for our social skills. We think very logically and can figure out complex problems with ease. However, try to talk to us about something other than computers or Star Trek and it becomes quite tedious. When others talk to us, we seem to speak another language.

So, the obvious answer is---- the computer guy who also learns social skills is going to: get the job/promotion/girl/money etc. That is the one skill lacking in most computer guys.

You are probably lacking one skill or trait that is holding you back. Just like the chain is only as strong as its weakest link, you are only as strong as your weakest link. So, to make the biggest gains in your life, work on that skill.

Unfortunately, most peoples LSE won't let them. Even though they know perfectly well what is holding them back, they are petrified that someone is going to point the fault out to them. Instead of tackling the problem straight on, they live a life of worry, always dependent on the politeness of others not to point out their faults. A terrible way to improve your life.

I say work on the issue you need most help on. Ask your friends for an honest answer of what they think is holding you back. Don't let your LSE get in the way-- take their honest evaluations as a challenge. BTW, you already know what they were going to say before they said it, didn't you?

And then go out and make that weakness one of your greatest strengths.

How to get promoted

So you want to move up the corporate ladder? I suggest there are 2 things you need to do.

Compare your job to a straw with water in it. You are a drop of water in the straw. In order to move up in the straw, you either need to be pushed up by the water directly below you or the water directly above you must move up, creating a vacuum for you to move into. So, to move up (get promoted) I say you have two options that are directly under your control.

1. Help those under you move into your position. Every employer loves someone who can train others and help them move others forward. As others are able to take more of the responsibility you once had it frees you up to move toward greater responsibilities-- ie promotion. I know that some may feel this strategy is the quickest way to get replaced and lose your job. I would be worried only if:

A. You have no other skills and are therefore not qualified to move into a position with greater responsibility (In which case getting laid off is just a matter of time anyway, when you think about it--time to upgrade your skills!), or

B. You use all of your new free time to slack or otherwise waste time. Ask your boss for more responsibility and it will come. Make the most of the opportunity.

2. Help your boss succeed-- ie create a vacuum for you to move into. If the boss is getting promoted and you were the one who helped get them there, who do you think they will recommend for their position?

Bottom line, there will never be a time where companies aren't looking for people who can make things happen, and uplift those they work with as well. Unfortunately too many workers spend their time wondering what the company is doing for them, rather than what they can do to help the company and those around them succeed (Sounds like a JFK quote, huh). These are the ones who need to worry about the unemployment line....

How to be successful

When I came to live in Las Vegas, I started working with this guy named Jim. He was a smart guy and fairly ambitious, but other than that had no real advantages over the next guy. No college degree, no super high paying job (he was in the air force.) Now, he is retired from the AF, has a sweet job making good money (especially in this economy), just got his MBA, and is well positioned in his career for big things. So, what is his secret?

A love of learning.

As computer consultants, we see all sorts of different computer networks and programs. I remember Jim making a list of two things he encountered that day that he didn't know the answer. He would research them that evening, sometimes staying up late until he was sure he understood the concepts. The next day, he would come into work an expert on the subject. This went on for a year or so until the AF transferred him.

We kept in touch over the years from time to time, and he always seemed to have something he was working on to better himself and gain knowledge. Now, since he moved back to Las Vegas we get to hang out a bit more. Talking to him now, it is impressive what he has accomplished.

Makes me think--- What do I do in my spare time? Am I just wasting it watching tv or surfing the web? Getting caught up in the news, reading funny emails or watching youtube?

I think what we do in our spare time determines how successful we will be more than just about any other factor. Let's do those things that will move us closer to where we want to be, instead of what is easy in the moment.

How to get people to like you

When I get home after work and walk through the door, my little girls yell "Daddy!" and come running up to me to give me a hug and kiss. At that point, they can do no wrong, as far as I am concerned. My day is brighter and I am reminded how much I love my little girls.

Have you ever noticed how a dog acts when it first sees it's owner? Excited to see him. No matter what the owner has done all day, good or bad, the dog will come running. The wrong dog may pee all over the place because he is so excited to see you, but that is another story. You get the point.

I think we like to be around those who like to be around us. No duh, right? But do we show those around us that we do, in fact, like to be around them?

Is it too much to give a big smile and a friendly hi when you see someone you know? Seems to me a very easy way to make people feel comfortable around you.

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Someone forwarded on an email today that I really liked so I thought I would post it here (part I copied and pasted). It was a story about a girl who was complaining to her mom about how life is hard. The stressful events never seemed to stop.

Her mom started 3 pans boiling and put a carrot in one, an egg in the next, and coffee beans in the last one.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity:boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however.. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

So, are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Health

So the last couple of months have gotten me thinking about my health. Thinking you are having a stroke and ending up with neck surgery will do that to you.

Seems that all the things our parents told us to do when we were growing up really do matter.

Eat good food.

Have good posture (this is the one that got me).

Exercise.

Sleep.

Not tough stuff, but all have to be maintained. Otherwise, we all end up exactly were I was, on the operating table. We all know we need to do these things, but somehow life gets a bit crazy and we forget. When we get to this point, we need to un-crazy our lives.

It is time to start doing the things we know we need to. Try to be just a little bit more healthy right now, so we can end up being the 80 year old who hikes Angel's Landing instead of the one who can't play with the grandkids.

How to Get Your Husband to Do Whatever You Want

My wife was telling me about one of her frustrated friends. Her friend, I'll call her Betty, has a husband (we'll call him Larry) who stays up late and sleeps in. Doesn't help out around the house as much as Betty wants him to. She has tried everything, she says. But he still doesn't help-- and the frustration and stress around the house mounts. Even my wife is mad at him.

Here is my politically incorrect conclusion-- Betty is just as much at fault as Larry is.

Why? And how do I know? Simply put, she hasn't listened to Larry to understand him and why he does things. How do I know? Because my wife does the same thing to me, and every girl I know does the exact thing to their husbands.

I tell my wife again and again how I want things communicated to me, but does she do it how I ask? No. Not for more than a few days if I make a big deal about it. Then she goes back to her way, "the girl's way" of communication.

So what is the secret that all guys want their wives to know? Here it is:

1. Give us a reason. A reason that doesn't accuse or bash us men.

2. State CLEARLY what you want.

3. Show appreciation for what we do.

That is it. NOTHING more.

If Betty wants Larry to help more in the morning she needs to say something like this:

"Larry, I am getting really tired and I think I am going crazy with all the kids." (The Reason)

After he responds she then should say "Could you get up with them once a week so I can sleep in? What day would work for you?" (Clearly put-- and then work out specific details)

"Thanks so much, I really appreciate it." (And then attack him in the bedroom that night)

The night before he is getting up say "I really appreciate you getting up with the kids tomorrow. It will feel so nice to sleep in." Don't say "Remember you said you were getting up with the kids tomorrow"-- That is indirectly accusing him of forgetting.

And the last thing she should do is not help him. Why? Because as soon as she comes down and starts helping then he figures he is done and she is taking over. She should let him handle things until the appointed time when he is done. Even if the kids are screaming. They will live.

Here is the "Girl Way" of communication and why it doesn't work for guys. Simply put, most girls have EXPECTATIONS of how their husbands should be. And, they assume that their husbands already know what those expectations are. If Larry isn't doing what Betty thinks he should, then Betty will give hints. Small hints, big hints. Then she will get frustrated when he doesn't pick up on them.

Here is the deal, girls. Most girls have been taught, or assume, that they are so much better communicators than guys. Therefore, guys just should understand what girls are trying to tell them. I have to tell you, from a man's point of view that the girl's way of communicating is hard to understand (I refrain from using stronger language).

Give it to me simple. Straightforward. And yes, you will have to ask me again and again.

Here is why. Men generally see the house as the woman's domain. Larry will help if he is asked, but if he is not asked he assumes Betty is doing just fine. Even if she is stressed out of her mind he will assume she is good unless she tells him-- IE, Stated Clearly.

Seems terrible, right? Not really, from a guys point of view. Look at it this way. We see working, providing for the family, the yard, garage etc. as our domain. Do we get stressed? You bet. All the time. In fact, a lot of us are really stressed all the time. But do we complain about it? Nope. Do we expect our women to sense when we are stressed and go out and mow the lawn without us asking them? Never. So, in our minds, why do our wives expect us to sense when they want us to do something in "their domain?" Many girls are so involved with their own problems and stresses that they don't realize the pressure their husbands are under, because their husband doesn't complain like she does.

Bottom line, if you want something from us men SIMPLY ASK US in clear language using the 3 steps above. If you are reading more into it than this I say to you "Stop thinking like a girl." There really is no more to it than this. You might as well not get mad that this is how we think because as much as you complain and try to change us, it will never work. So you might as well learn how we think and you both will be much happier.

On Being Perfect

What is the deal with having to appear perfect? Why can't some people show their faults? What are they afraid of?

I was thinking the other day about 'perfect' people. You know the kind, always ready to help you whenever you need it, always the nicest people you know, never do anything wrong, never want to start a fight, always making others happy etc.

I have come to an unusual conclusion. I am not so sure that those 'perfect' people are actually as happy as they seem. Don't get me wrong, helping others is not a bad thing. But I get the feeling that centering your life too much on others can actually be frustrating to the nice person. I would assume that the 'perfect' person would, in the back of their mind, have some sort of motive behind the niceness. Is it that they have a great need to be liked, or is being nice their way of manipulating others to do what they want?

When I lived in Utah I was a saleperson for a couple of years, calling on small businesses. You know what the most frustrating thing was? Nobody would say 'NO'. They would all say, 'Come back later', 'I'll think about it' endlessly. Finally, after weeks and weeks of wasting my time I would just stop going by. Which is what they were hoping I would do. Why was that? I think that they were just trying to be nice. (BTW, if anybody reading this blog was one of those people, know that you weren't being nice. It sucked, to be quite honest). I love my religion (I'm Mormon) but sometimes I think we try to be a little too perfect, and are afraid to let our flaws show. So we go out of our way to appear perfect, thinking that others won't like us if they know our faults. BTW, did you know that a greater percentage of women in Utah are taking anti-depressants than any other state?

Also, the need to appear perfect is the cause of eating disorders.

But we can rationalize it in our mind, after all "Be ye therefore perfect..." Right? I think that it is working toward being perfect, not trying to appear perfect so everyone with think of you .... (Fill in the blank)

Sometimes I think of perfect people as "Teflon People.' They are so smooth that you can't stick to them. Someone who is a little rough are the velcro people, easy to stick to. Not that you have to show all of your faults all the time, but come on, what is the problem if you actually have a fault? I once heard Dr. Laura tell a story on the radio to a girl with an eating disorder. She told of going to the pound to pick up a new puppy. One puppy is perfect in every way. Stands at attention and obeys your every command. The second puppy has a droopy ear and kindof waddles to you to lick your hand. Which puppy would you take home?

I think the world would be a better place if everyone wasn't trying to appear perfect.

How to Reprimand

I listened to "The One Minute Manager" this week. In my opinion, one of the best management books I have ever listened to. Highly recommended if you manage people (or kids, I guess).

One of the key points they talk about is how to reprimand an employee when they get out of line. It is so simple that it seems like it should be common sense to everyone. First of all, if someone is in training, don't get mad at them-- Ever. Train, not reprimand. (Did you get mad at your kids when they were trying to learn to walk and fell down constantly?) Even if they do something you think should be common sense to everyone, don't yell or get angry. If you do, from that point forward they will always be looking over their shoulder and working not to succeed, but to not get in trouble. Not the employee you want to have. When they mess up, use it as a training experience and move on. However, if you find you need to "train" them over and over, there might come a point where you need to reassign them, let them go etc. Not every one will excel at every job.

When someone is experienced and they mess up, then the manager needs to deal with it right then. Don't wait until they do it again or for a better time. Then, the authors recommend this strategy. First, let them know they screwed up and you are angry. Don't say you are angry using a soft voice- let your emotion show. Then, calm down and say something like this-- "Bob, it surprises me that you did this because you are one of our top guys and I have a lot of confidence in you. I'm sure it won't happen again". The whole encounter should take less than a minute.

When you correct someone like this, you get your point across as well as compliment the person. (BTW, don't compliment first--it sends mixed messages.) Using this process will leave the person with a better feeling after you leave so he doesn't complain to everyone about what a jerk of a manager you are.

On Being Boring...

What exactly makes a person boring? And how can I be a "not boring" person?

As I think about it, I think it comes down to routines. We have a routine for just about everything, and how well we stick to those routines determines how interesting or boring we are. I think a boring person always has a predictable answer for everything. Talking to a boring person may produce the same conversation over and over, even if it is about different subjects. Talking becomes a routine. An interesting person, on the other hand, looks at each conversation or experience and tries to look at it in a new way. They aren't stuck in the same old rut of thinking. Your brain is engaged while you are talking to them. Which is why they are interesting.

Feeling tired and burned out?

So I was talking to one of my clients, a homeopathic doctor. I asked her what kinds of patients she sees most often. She told me that most of the patients that she sees are feeling stressed, burned out, unhappy, no energy etc. Guess what she tells them to do? Take antidepressants? A miracle cure from the orient? Acai? Nope.

She says in many cases it comes down to one or more of three things-- Not enough sleep, exercise, or poor nutrition. Just the things we have been taught since our childhood to do, but never seem to have enough time to follow through with. Think about it, when was the last time you got 8 hrs of sleep, exercised a half hour, and didn’t eat sugar or something processed (ie real food) for a day? She said if someone does this religiously for a couple of weeks they will see a huge difference.

So, are you feeling tired, stressed, burned out, unhappy, no energy etc? Now you know what you need to do!

Conflict in Marriage

So my wife and I decide to watch a video on improving your marriage. Sounds fun, right? Actually, my wife and I have a wonderful relationship with, ahem, perhaps a minor spat every once and again--we always find that she was right the whole time... ;)

Anyway, he had an interesting fact to share. Most problems a couple argues about don’t go away. In fact, in the most successful marriages less than 30% of the major problems are actually resolved. They just get rehashed over and over again; with both spouses blaming the other or thinking the other is somehow defective in their thinking (this is assuming there isn’t a problem such as abuse or addiction, etc). If one leaves the marriage and finds another, perhaps those exact issues aren’t a problem, but they find a bunch of new things to argue about.

Turns out that in successful relationships, both people spend the time to understand where the other is coming from, their dreams and ambitions, etc. Then they find ways to compromise where both are happy. They don't try to change the other (because they can't) but find ways to work with each other. It begins by caring enough to understand their partner first.

Our Thoughts

Heard something interesting today. Scientists have shown that most of our thoughts, over 90% in some people, are the exact same thoughts we had yesterday. This goes on day after day. So, in essence, we are living the same day over and over again. Most of our thoughts are based on habit. The next discovery they made was that a majority of these thoughts are negative. In some people 80% of their thoughts are negative.

Interestingly enough, in the people they studied they found that a majority of the negative thoughts people have were untrue, whether outright false or somewhat untrue. Interesting. Our thoughts determine our actions, which determine our habits, which determines who we are... All based on incorrect negative thoughts. No wonder so many people are on Prozac.

Can't remember exactly who said these, but

"You can live a thousand days, or one day a thousand times."

"People judge others by their actions, but themselves by their intentions."

Happy for no reason

Everyone chases happiness. But few find it. Because they assume that happiness is rooted in something outside them. If only….

If only I was married.

If only I was out of school.

If only I was retired.

If only my spouse would (fill in the blank)

If I was rich.

Etc.

Happiness does not come from things or persons outside ourselves. The more we chase it, the further it retreats from us. We need to be happy for no reason at all. Happy regardless of whether life is going good or bad. Regardless of what others do or how they treat us. As Stephen R. Covey says, “We need to bring our own sunshine with us.” Is this a conscious decision we can make?

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

I graduated from college with a degree in business, with an emphasis on marketing. In my classes, we learned how to shape customers perceptions of our products and to create needs where there weren’t necessarily any before. It is very powerful and makes a lot of companies and individuals very wealthy. It also serves to shape our society in many ways.

I have been listening to an audio cd called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. I highly recommend reading it for anyone who has daughters. It talks about the influence that fathers can have on their daughters for good and bad. In many ways, dads are more influential than mothers. So, we dads better buck up and take this job seriously.

Kids are continuously bombarded with messages from the media. They are told that they need to look a certain way, act a certain way etc. Who is telling them how to act? The marketing professionals. What is their motive? To make money.

As parents, we need to talk to our kids and let them know that much of what they see and hear is not real life. If we don’t shape our kids, the media will.